I don’t think I use this blog the way that is supposed to be used if I’m honest… the only time I feel the need to write anything these anymore is when I’m feeling depressed or the need to vent… I’m sure most people don’t even read what I write and that’s ok this blog isn’t for fame or followers it simply the chance for my voice to be heard, to speak and express myself freely with out feeling that I have to edit my words so that the person I’m talking to understands or dose not get offended… this is my place the one place on this earth that is who I truly am that’s me and if you would like to read great maybe you’ll understand too how I feel.
With all that said I guess I better get into why I’ve posted this anyways as the header reads… I’ve messed up my hair dye because I was in the middle of a anxiety attack…
bit of background, I love dying my hair! It’s what I’m good at and I always get the colour perfect no matter what dye that I use or colour I try… I never get dye all over my skin and my colours are always evenly covered and never blotchy and two toned…
Tonight I got home late and needed to get a bath before bed but I also needed my hair dyed and I had been putting it off for a we while because I just couldn’t be bothered if I’m honest so I thought right while I’m washing my hair anyway I might as well use my colourfreedom aqua toner that conditions your hair amazingly as a conditioner while I wash it… makes sense? I hope so.
From I got home I had felt that awful dread feeling you get all day before an anxiety attack and from the beginning of dying my hair I knew the attack was going to come. So I mixed the colour and could not even mix the colour right because I was starting to feel anxious but because I didn’t want to waste the dye I decided to get into the bath wash and dye my hair anyways.
I did all this and ended up having to get out of the bath without even relaxing because I was having the attack… but I still had 15 minutes left for my hair dye to be finished so I spent that time doing all the things that I usually do to bring myself out of the attack.
When I washed the dye out and dried it I straight away I could see that the colour was wrong and while I straightened it I could see how blotchy my hair was and how much my skin was stained by the dye and I just broke down crying.
Not because my hair is a mess but because the one thing that makes me truly happy that I am really good at was ruined by my mental health!
I’ve been doing so good I don’t understand why I have to live like this? I take my tablets I hardly drink and don’t smoke. I’m not a crazy partier! I’m a quite person who just wants to be free from the cage that her mind traps her in.
I feel worthless like I can’t even do something as easy as dye my own hair without having anxiety ruin it! Why? What have I done to deserve this in my life? I know it’s just a bad hair dye job but that is not the point. I never mess up but because my mind was foggy and all I could think about was how short my breaths where and for annoying my boyfriends music was that I got everything wrong?
I’m sick of feeling like this! Every time I think I’m getting better or that I can control it it comes back to remind me that it is in control and that I have to revolve my life around it. It’s like a having to use a wheel chair you have to cater your life to fit the chair I have to cater my life to fit my anxiety and everyone in my life has to suffer because of my disability!
It makes life so hard and exhausting sometimes. I even have the thoughts is it even worth it to live like this forever because 6 years down the line and I’m still having the same problems as before. I hate myself I hate that mental health problems run in my family… I never asked for this? Is this the price for living? I don’t know anymore… I’m just too tired to care.